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Interview With A Plant.: Stop Planticide!
 by: Sher Holloway

Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with the infamous plant activist, John Ivy. Mr Ivy heads up the rapidly growing plant rights group, Plants Against Dirt or PAD for short.

Members of PAD are made up of common house plants from across the United States who are rallying against what they call blatant and rampant "Greenism" on the part of plant owners everywhere. Since at least Victorian times, PAD contends that plants have been forced to live in what they now say are filthy and entirely unsuitable surroundings. Their battle cry can be heard everywhere plants are found.

"We're plants, not pigs!"

Reporter: Mr. Ivy, I'd like to thank you for agreeing to this interview.

Ivy: On behalf of PAD I'm happy to have this opportunity to help spread the word about the atrocities committed against plants here in the United States every single day.

Reporter: Your organization alleges that house plants are one of the hardest working groups in American homes today and yet you say you are forced to live in what you describe as, "disgusting and dirty habitats". Those are pretty strong accusations, Mr. Ivy. Would you care to elaborate?

Ivy: Certainly. The average house plant works 7 days a week and sometimes up to 24 hours a day battling such formidable home invaders as Formaldehyde and Benzene. We absorb nasty toxins and in their place, omit clean oxygen for our owners to breathe. An average house plant can effectively clean up to 100 square feet of air in a home or office.

Reporter: I have to admit, that is impressive. I can't think of a single air purifier on the market that can produce those kinds of results as inexpensively and effectively as do house plants. But, what's all this about "greenism", "planticide" and filthy living conditions?

Ivy: Shockingly virtually every house plant in the US today is being forced to live in dirt! Filthy, disgusting, dirty dirt.

We work hard for our owners and yet we are rewarded by having our roots covered in soil which is not only entirely unpleasant, but often leads to other more serious problems.

Reporter: Such as?

Ivy: Well for one thing, bugs love dirt. It's awful to sit around all day in dirt, but when you factor in little creepy crawly things tickling your roots, it's just torture. The most serious problem of all however is of course that living in dirt has led to the untimely and unnecessary deaths of hundreds of thousands of my green brothers and sisters. Planticide is an all too common part of our society.

Reporter: It's my understanding that plants need dirt to survive. Are you implying that is not the case?

Ivy: I'm more than implying that. PAD seeks to shout if from the mountain tops! Not only do we NOT require dirt to live, we DON"T WANT to live in dirt!

Reporter: I'm confused. If you don't want to live in dirt, then what?

Ivy: We want to live in Millennium Soil TM. It's a non-toxic artificial soil that is clean, it doesn't attract creepy crawlies and best of all, it allows us to drink what we want when we want it, rather than only when someone walks by and shoves a finger in our dry dirt.

With Millennium Soil TM we only need to be watered about a tablespoon every couple months. The Millennium Soil TM also has all the nutrients we need, so we don't wind up unwilling patients in plant hospital burn centers.

Reporter: Wow. Who knew? I've never heard of Millennium Soil. It sounds interesting.

Ivy: You don't know the half of it, Sher. Not only are we free of dirt and bugs forever, with Millennium Soil TM we have the option of dressing any way we want. For the fist time ever, plants everywhere can get out of those ugly crocks and planters and put on something really stylish that reflects their personality. Since there is no dirt mess and no water leakage, anything can become a planter.

Reporter: I noticed that you are wearing a lovely tube sock today. To be honest though, when you sat down I must confess that I worried about your ruining my expensive leather chair with water and dirt.

Ivy: No way. I don't leak and I don't leave a dirty trail. I'm finally free to express myself. I've always loved basketball, but until now I didn't have the option to dress for the game.

Reporter: Thank you very much for this most enlightening interview, Mr. Ivy. Many of our readers will certainly be moved to support PAD in some way. Tell our readers what they can do to help.

Ivy: It starts at home, Sher. Visit today and set your own hard working plants free! Remember, "We're plants, not pigs!"


Webmasters: you are authorized to use this article free for reprint in your online publication so long as the resource box is left intact and links are hyperlinked. An email to let me know where it has been used is always appreciated.

About The Author

Sher Holloway is a plant interviewer turned PAD activist. You can find out more about Planticide and Greenism at

This article was posted on February 06, 2005


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